My cooking repertoire has expanded. It’s all too easy to slip into sandwich mode when you cook for one.  But even when Belinda was here I was already working on it. Belinda, God bless her, said she couldn’t cook (although she was pretty damn good when she wanted to) and so I experimented on her sometimes.  Mostly fairly easy stuff–roasts, taco soup, spaghetti, nachos, occasional breakfasts. But she was usually surprised to the good and let me know. And in the last year I’ve worked on fried foods and bierocks and whatever else captures my current interest or craving. One of my favorites is just a simple Pastrami sandwich. But not just any pastrami sandwich–I use fresh rolls, steamed deli Boar’s Head pastrami, some nice Provolone cheese, creamy horse-radish mustard, thin-sliced Kosher garlic dill spears, maybe even some slices of jalapeno peppers.  Baked until the roll is nearly toasted (just a bit crunchy). I slather the buns with mayo which is not agreeable with all purists but I’m pretty happy with the way they turn out.

What else? Cleaning? Maybe not so much but I will say this: when I clean I go all out. Starting from a corner and working to corners. Today I soaked my living room nicotine-stained vertical blinds in bleach and then gave them a final wipe with 409 before putting them back up. Washed the windows (using my street-learned secrets) and I now have the best frontage in the neighborhood. Others only looked white before I went to task with mine. If you’re not careful you will bang into glass thinking that the patio door is open.  This is what I like.  Detail. If I get motivated I’m likely to clean down to Q-tip detail. And I might get side-tracked by the need for more organization.  I have less than 600 square feet and organization is crucial. Labeled boxes for my supplies.  I’m talking standardized boxes too–currently my favorite is the Bankers Box (available at Wal-Mart) which seems to be the perfect sizing for many things. I also use the plastic Folgers cans to organize smaller items (remembering when I used to paint the old cans and apply stick-on labels).  Part of being a pack-rat OCD ‘completist’.

Cooking, cleaning, laundry.  I’m missing something here. Oh,… dishes. My ex would even give me creds here.  She would remark something to the effect “you should see what LK does with stainless (pots, silverware etc). Part upbringing, partly from working as a washer in a bakery four hours a night in college.  Hot water. It’s hot water, water that you can’t keep your hands under without scalding. And drying.  If the water’s hot enough you can dry immediately without going through multiple towels. Dishwashers? Hell, no dishwasher cleans as well as I can so why bother with them? It’s like double-work to rinse and use a washer so I cut out the “later” man.

I know I’ve got more than that to offer. But I guess I need to discuss the areas where I’m sub-par. The books.  I’m no good with the financials.  In fact I’ve been known to leave mail un-opened for years. Important stuff that may have a crucial bearing on the future.  And I won’t be a good wife to just any woman–I have a criteria for what’s acceptable. As long as my woman is trying there won’t be a problem.  But if she starts taking me for granted I am liable to withhold certain things she desires. Sex possibly, conversation likely. Dusting and vacuuming will become a thing of the past.  And forget about ironing.  It’s my least favorite thing and I fold laundry in such a way as to prevent its use. But get on my wrong side and you can forget about me doing any ironing at all.

First I should say that I really didn’t get the Dead in the 70’s. A hero of mine did so I bought the Skull and Crossbones and Live In Europe albums. I confess that I appreciated the cover art more than the actual music. I tried but it seemed ‘countrified’ at a time when I wanted rock or at least southern rock. It really wasn’t until the 90’s that I started to dig them a little more… Hey, the Dead want to save the rain forest… and Jerry was a closet computer nerd… and Jerry is dead for real and so the DJ’s are playing more from their catalog on the FM stations. Some of the songs start to resonate a bit and I start to listen a little more closely and I will never be able to attend one of their fabled concerts and I gave up drugs years ago so how am I going to really know what this Deadhead thing is all about? But the extra effort and a little repetition has taken hold and I need to explore this phenomena.

Evidently my interest had become apparent enough that I am at one point mistaken for a Deadhead and I experience the need to proselytize, to make another friend feel the Dead. Around 2002 I decide I need to make him a compilation CD with my favorites which will be the very best of the band. For my research I start collecting their works… the albums, the soundboard recordings, Dick’s Picks…it peaks at well over 1000 songs. To glean the best I am forced to actually listen to (parts of) this mountainous collection. At one point I spend three days (and most of the nights) wearing headphones and listening to nothing but the Dead. The experience was an epiphany of sorts I guess. I didn’t tire of them, I didn’t flame out and I had a playlist that could convince anybody of their greatness. Well I burned that CD. I don’t know if my friend ever listened to it—I suspect not. (No hard feelings Jay ). I probably also told him (warned him?) that he needed to reserve about 14 hours for nothing else but headphones and really listening, listening hard. Who has 14 hours to listen to one artist? But these things are so subjective and I realize my experience does not translate to another’s. Which is really what this ramble is all about.

A few observations that I gleaned from all of this (remember that these perceptions are mine and may not have any basis in reality):

The Dead were not always “on”. Phil Lesh admitted in his book that they fell down for the big ones… Woodstock, Johnny Carson, etc. But I’ve got this one thing indelibly stamped on my distorted memories… the Dead could be tired, Jerry’s voice could be gone, drugs and sickness working against them, and yet… Jerry’s guitar never faltered, it was always clean, almost delicate at times, always soulful. I confess that I listen for his guitar more than any other aspect of their music and I just can’t find anything wrong with his playing.  Oh, they noodled… I would get impatient sometimes when waiting for them to find their groove… it would seem to take forever to get started. But just when it seemed like nothing was going to happen they would find something and take off. Those moments were stratospheric and even without mind-altering substance I could understand a little better the otherworldly forces that created the “real” Deadheads.

I think people miss seeing the consummate professionalism that Jerry brought to the guitar. Phil Lesh recounts in his book Searching For The Sound that Jerry once pushed him, causing him to fall down some stairs, for missing 8 bars during a concert (while “zoning” out).  This from someone who, by most accounts was mellow, kind, a “sweetheart” (Phil’s word), a benevolent bear. At one point I doubt anyone could have  convinced me that Jerry’s guitar ever missed—every note had purpose and preceded or followed another ‘perfect’ note. He never seemed to get into a corner while playing—hitting notes that he could not recover from gracefully. Maybe my wiring got scrambled somewhere over the years but I really don’t feel this about many guitarists (Eric Clapton and Joe Perry come to mind but that would make another story and involve having to defend myself).

Where is this all going? Well I’m slightly bothered by the hyper-critical abject dismissal by those who don’t like the Dead but I can deal with it. But slamming those who do like them? I just feel the need to put in a word for tolerance. Do I expect to enlighten anyone? I guess not but I think if you will just actually listen once, maybe tune out Jerry’s voice or whatever it is that makes you crazy and concentrate on his guitar or the drums or Lesh’s bass lines you may find something that you can appreciate. You may even transcend the place where you currently are. Yeah, they noodle. Incessantly it seems sometimes. But they are looking for something. A moment when it all comes together and minds are melded into common purpose. Their job is not to convince you that they are there, they have to stay the course. And all you have to do is wait—something that is not part of our culture these days. But if you do the rewards are there.

I was not a big fan but I did come to recognize a few of her songs when they were played on Radio Paradise.  I was interested enough to Google her awhile  back and I felt a little bit of disgust and revulsion when I saw the photo captures of her. I also felt a little sympathy but mostly I felt disgust. I probably said “what a waste”. And I think I probably said “why”?

But I cried for her today.  And this little thought began to nag at me as I pondered why and what I felt for her. I came to the conclusion that her death is no more or less tragic than anyone else’s. But is still tragic. And I wonder if we’re not in ourselves partly responsible for her death. We had come to expect her to behave in a certain way and she had an obligation to live up to our expectations. Setting aside issues of personal strength and resolve it is not that difficult to imagine what may have brought on her publicized battles with alcohol and drugs.

Now this speculation may stem from some experiences that not everyone has had to deal with. And I certainly know nothing about the fame aspects. But I can see clues. A person who acts up and is “caught” is castigated and admonished. But the act that brought on that retribution also brought attention. And a certain expectation–once you have crossed the line of decent or normal behavior you will be thought of, looked at in that light. People will always wonder if you can indeed rehabilitate and conform to their own ideas of acceptable social mores. Amy may have felt that. If you start to fade a little from the lime light, if you have  a craving for acceptance or even adulation, maybe you have discovered that bad publicity is better than no publicity. If people expect you to behave in a certain way they are only disappointed if you don’t live up to them.  Unfortunately, at some point you start running out of ideas to shock and titillate. Unless you do something so outrageous as to die.

I’d like to suggest that Amy was killed by expectations. And in the end she did not disappoint us. So I don’t feel, for my part, that she was killed by her addictions and weaknesses. But rather by her courage to stand up to us and yet give us what we wanted.  Simultaneously giving us the show and thumbing her nose. That’s what we ultimately wanted and what she was strong enough to provide.

God bless you Amy with His infinite peace, love and understanding.

So Linda comes on the line. I explain that I wasn’t looking to cancel completely but that I wasn’t satisfied with my plan and I’m even less satisfied with her employer. I was an early DSL adopter when Southwest Bell was still around and I deserve a little better dammit. She understands and she starts looking at options that will keep me committed as a valued customer. I could say this sarcastically but she was a godsend in this time of unsurpassed corporate greed and vice. She made an effort to make an unhappy customer happy. And kept on reducing charges, adding incentives and before long I’m saying “yes, oh yes” as if having an orgasm. Lowering my bill and adding features that I couldn’t hope to afford before the call. At one point I was laughing with her and I said “this is the service that I remember” and she told me I was making her blush. And at that point I am hooked. This friendly lady has picked up on what makes me spin and she is spinning me like a top.  She has not only done her job but she has made a friend for life. I won’t go into all the details of breaks and added features she gave me ’cause then everyone is going to expect that. And I don’t want to share. Today I am her special “one”. And I want to ask her to marry me before anyone else does.  So Linda?

Edit: I have determined that the show is “Monster Bug Wars“.  I guess I should have known.

Recently, my internet journeys carried me to Willie Nelson and subsequently his Teapot Party on Facebook. Going back today I see a link to a petition looking to aid a mother of four who was sentenced to 10+ years for selling $31 worth of marijuana. I read another article at Huffington Post while trying to get a little more background on the case. I haven’t found anything yet that says she was a career trouble-maker living on the other side of the law and it finally caught up with her. Maybe living on the fringes of the law? But good God, what a crazy mixed-up world we live in. I thought our generation was supposed to be a little bit enlightened when we took the reins. I don’t see it. The same assholes are getting into positions of power as ever and as has always been the case.

As for the informant? You slimy snake you. You are a bottom-feeder, one of the lowest forms of life in the food chain. I sincerely hope that you get to live the rest of your life in ignominy. I trust you made better than $31 for your part in this fiasco?

BTW–A Willie Nelson quote that I don’t want to lose from Rolling Stone ‘Random Notes’ : In January, six of Nelson’s band members were issued citations in North Carolina for reportedly possessing moonshine and marijuana. In 2006, Nelson and four others on his bus were issued citations at a traffic stop in St. Martin Parish, Louisiana after authorities seized nearly 1.5 pounds of marijuana and 3 ounces of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Nelson and tour manager David Anderson both paid a $1,024 fine and served six months of probation. “Both bus drivers were over fifty years old,” Nelson said at the time. “The other guys were 60 years old. My sister is 75, I’m 73, so it’s like they busted an old folks home.”

The real chinese mustard that used to be served with our shrimp on Sunday outings in adolescent days–the nose-searing, eye-watering stuff. Found out you can’t buy it in a bottle–you need to get dry mustard and mix it yourself.

It was Buddy Holly’s song. I never heard his version until a day after my 56th birthday. Released in March of 1960 when I was 5 years old.

Yeah, late bloomer.  But when you see Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern use them it seems to be the natural thing to do.  Hell, I’ve even seen Adam Rich take a turn with them.  It’s the thing to do.  So now whenever I make a bowl of Maruchan noodle soup I get out my custom chops.   And keep a spoon handy.

How to fry in oil

Well how long has it been around?  Although we all liked to “help” Mom when she baked, frying wasn’t that inviting.  Bad things that happen in the kitchen invariably involve hot oil.

How to make Bierocks…

Or, in my case, beer rolls. Yeah, another cooking thing. I fried them like egg rolls using egg roll wrappers. So of course not Bierocks at all. Except that they had hamburger and cabbage inside. Next time I will dirty up the kitchen and make the dough so I can bake them in a traditional manner. Belinda and I made Chile Relleno’s once and I remember that we seemed to have a generous coat of flour on everything.

The words that come to mind are repetitious, banal, pretentious, unoriginal. Not particularly proficient. I too caught them on SNL and on Letterman the following week. Nothing. I went and bought the album to prove to myself that I was still receptive, to get some more listens and find out where I was missing the picture. And kept on missing. Is there a new drug I need to use to get this? I had one song rated “pretty good” but it’s falling fast on repeated listens. I mean there are people who like them whose opinions I respect, even value. I guess Black Keys are just not for me–we all have our sensitive spots that we don’t like irritated. It’s gotten to the point where if any song just reminds me of Black Keys I cringe. Ok, flame on but someone had to say it. On a scale of 10 a “3″ for the song “I’m Not The One”, a “1″ for the album “Brothers”.

No real reason–I wanted to try embedding a video in a post. And I had just seen this one and thought it funny.

I decided to Google and before I finished typing “…Island” I was already seeing Apocalypse Island Hoax and I knew where I was going. First visit was to an article by David West. Sums it up pretty well and provides a link with further damning discourse. I also went through the comments at Godlike Productions and felt myself slightly lifted from the depression brought on by realization that TV had once more claimed a portion of my existence.

But wait…

I decided to research this a little more starting with Google Earth. And now I think the premise was “on” but things got slightly skewed while producing the show. The first thing I discovered was that they had the wrong island; the real monument island is probably Roca Catedral.

The real monuments (found in the same ocean as Apocalypse Island)

Why This Works…

I have re-created the monument as seen in its original glory before natural erosion took its toll. I call this the Monumento del Obelisco. The before and after shots:

What it was

What it is

Now to put it all in context. The following picture shows other monuments and their positions relative to the Obelisk. Due to deterioration many of these monuments now resemble rocks.

Click on image for a larger view

Note the dwelling on the mainland and the three poles that the natives erected for navigation and sighting. They are set so as to create a perfect isosceles triangle; also, if one is to sight along line “B” you  will see a perfect alignment with the island monument and, at night, one of a number of stars that have been charted for thousands of years.

Other Monumental Speculations

Since the monument was erected rather than carved from the ridge-line the builders probably used rollers to move the obelisk to a winch platform. The cylinders shown were left behind, almost as if abandoned in another time.

Time-forgotten

Winch platform and pulley system may have been used to stand the monument at its final location.

Anchient hoisting system

The skilled craftsmen not only sculpted but painted–the white paintings are found everywhere. Some of them appear to be intricate, carefully-detailed maps.

Gull god guarding painted maps

More amazing sculptures–many times it’s a matter of opening your mind to the possibilities. Different angles, different times of day often bring out previously hidden features. The shadows know though…

As real as you are

Possibilities

The obelisk may have been decorated with inscriptions and drawings as depicted below. Unfortunately the crumbling conditions of the obelisk make it impossible to decipher the markings without extensive restoration.

Zoom shot of inscriptions

Some experts have speculated that the obelisk wasn’t sharp-cornered at all and was in fact crafted in much the same way as the obelisk at Oslo. This would explain some of the rounding that was previously thought due to wind and sand erosion.

Rounder, gentler obelisk

Conclusions

Much needs to be done before 2012 to confirm my hypotheses correct. I cannot do it without sponsors. I would encourage, no plead, that interested parties help me out. We are going to need airfare, boat rentals, camera crews and the latest in camping and climbing equipment. I am also going to need a laptop as well as upgraded GPS units. Not to mention a lot of reserve cash for guides, bribes and trinkets. At this point it appears hopeless but I have faith in my fellow man. Make this happen–it is for the good of mankind. After I reach my stage one goal of $10,000 I will provide free autographed copies of the book (based on this adventure) for all donors.  Hurry, reserve your copy now. Thanks for your support with this all-important mission.

Afterwords

I have visited Jim Turners’ site and I have softened a bit.  In retrospect, when I think of the episode as shown on History Channel, I picture him as a deer caught in the headlights–eyes wide and almost fearful of this thing that has been erected around him. I want to blame the producers for the misconceptions created in the interest of profits. The producers? No, they would never do that would they? Take things out of context? Apply creative textures in the name of ratings? Twist events and phrases to sensationalize? Although I may believe Turner to be a bit misguided I don’t want to believe that he perpetrated the entire fiction on his beliefs.